For the past year, I have struggled a lot, mostly with myself (quarter-life crisis, I guess?). I have had made a lot of fucked up decisions and cried over too much spilled milk, but I was able to overcome all those hardships. I became stronger– even more better than who I was before (I think).
I’m now on 27th year here on earth and have managed to live independently. Not totally independent, but at least I’m trying. (I still need help from other people from time to time.) I have learned not to expect too much from life because less expectations, less heartaches and/or regrets, as some people say. I just make the most out of my every day. I’m still a bit picky about some things, though. I get frustrated and rant about things or situations that don’t go my way or as I’ve planned it to be, but I’ve learned to just get along with what life is offering me.
I think I’ve lived a boring life. I was never an adventurer, although I’ve always dreamed about trying out new things. Who am I kidding, anyway? I love adventures! I mean, who doesn’t?! I love the thought of traveling to different, unfamiliar places, trying extreme sports, meeting new people, and just go out and have the time of my life. But I was too afraid of making mistakes and getting hurt. I hate making a fool out of myself, especially when feelings and emotions are involved. I was never a risk taker back then. Maybe because I was too young, and still trying to fit in and please other people.
Then, love happened. I haven’t mastered my emotions back then. I’m too young to know what love really meant, so I ended up getting hurt and heart-broken. Love was too complicated for a young lady that I was. I tend giving up everything, and not saving some respect and love for myself. I was foolish enough to be cheated, twice.
I never really had problems making friends. I think, I excel on that aspect of my boring life. I managed to be friends with great people that I could always rely on. Ironically, being a worrier that I was, and still am, I worry about what people around me would think of me–would they like me? Would they hate me? Would we be good friends?–I worry about the results of the actions that I would make. I worry about the future– about the things that hasn’t happen yet. I worry too much that I forgot how live at the moment– to be totally not in control of my life; to just live today and let tomorrow be a day of renewed chances– another opportunity to learn and make up for yesterday’s mistakes.
Looking back, I realized that I have wasted a lot of great opportunities. I have missed meeting a whole bunch of people. I missed how fun it is to be young. I wish I could go back in time and change how I lived, which is sadly isn’t possible.
I am learning. Constantly. Everyday. I learned to accept the things that life’s throwing at me, and sometimes even enjoy them. I would still have some bad days and get frustrated about it. I would still get sad and even mad. I’m still human after all. Sometimes, when my day turned out so bad, I want to scream at life at tell it how unfair it is to me. But however shitty my day has been, at the end of it, I still treasure and keep it as one of those memories that I could relish when I get older. So I would have something to remind myself that it is okay to make mistakes. That it is okay to get sad and mad about it. That at the end, you learned something from those mistakes and decided to do something about it.
I’m also trying to be more adventurous now. Once in a while, I get out of my comfort zone and try new things. I even decided to live healthier– eating healthy food (from time to time, because Bonchon’s spicy chicken wings happened) and exercising.
I’ve tried boxing, and would definitely go back after being MIA for more than 2 months because of a back injury. I’m also planning to try Muay Thai and yoga, as well; I hope to find a yoga class that isn’t too expensive, though. And attend dance classes! Oh, how I miss dancing. Hike mountains, trek unbeaten paths, camp out in an island, join marathons and fun runs– these are just a few things that I would like to do. Since I’m not getting any younger, it’s time to move around more often so I could be fitter and healthier.
Also as I venture the life of healthy living, I also try cooking my own food for lunch. I have a desk job and I know that it’s not good to always buy and eat food from fastfood restaurants because (1) it is too expensive and (2) unhealthy. Besides, I miss cooking too, so why not do it for a healthier and more practical reason? I use some of my free time to search for yummy and healthy recipes that I can cook.
Last year, I decided to give myself a new look. I dyed my hair for the very first time! I pamper myself with weekend nail spas and body massages after a long week of hard work.
I’ve also tried using make ups to brighten up my face a little bit. I’ve even watched tons of YouTube videos on how to create that perfect eyebrow. (Still not a fan of putting on those BB creams, concealers, and foundations on my face, so I just use my ever reliable J&J powder to avoid getting a too shiny face.) I’m also being smart when choosing and buying my clothes– something that would not make me look too slumpy or fat. I learned to mix and match my clothes and wear heeled shoes from time to time. Working in Makati would make you swear a lot if you’re always wearing high heeled shoes walking along Ayala Avenue. So I also invest in buying sturdy and reliable flats that I could bring with me just in case I give up on wearing my pumps.
I have too many travels plans as well. If my budget permits me, I’d love to reward myself of going out of towns from time to time. Simple camping out or an overnight getaway to a nearby place like Tagaytay, Laguna, Batangas, or Zambales, just to relieve me from stress. Or maybe a 3D/2N in Cebu, Davao, Bohol, Guimaras, or El Nido?
We’ll slowly get there. And when the time comes, I could finally tell myself that I am living everyday as if it is my last.
My life hasn’t ended yet. There’s still plenty of time to live and improve myself. For now, I’ll let things fall into their respective places and see what I can do about them. I may still have regrets, but I promise not to dwell in them too much. I’ll live everyday and enjoy every moment of it– good or bad– and accept that life will always have its ups and downs to teach us.
I’ve learned that growing up will always be hard, but we need to deal with it at some point in our lives. Maturity comes with how much you have learned from your experiences and how you managed to change it so you won’t commit the same mistakes again.
I’ve realized how important it is to know yourself first– what you love and want in life– before anything else. Regrets will always be a part of life, but dwelling in the past and asking yourself repeatedly the question ‘what if’ will only make you miserable. Life will be more worth living if you learn how to embrace ‘what is’, learn to love the things the you already have, and start working on how you can be a better person.