Life’s Unexpected Struggles and Surprises

For the past year, I have struggled a lot, mostly with myself (quarter-life crisis, I guess?). I have had made a lot of fucked up decisions and cried over too much spilled milk, but I was able to overcome all those hardships. I became stronger– even more better than who I was before (I think).

I’m now on 27th year here on earth and have managed to live independently. Not totally independent, but at least I’m trying. (I still need help from other people from time to time.) I have learned not to expect too much from life because less expectations, less heartaches and/or regrets, as some people say. I just make the most out of my every day. I’m still a bit picky about some things, though. I get frustrated and rant about things or situations that don’t go my way or as I’ve planned it to be, but I’ve learned to just get along with what life is offering me.

My Past

I think I’ve lived a boring life. I was never an adventurer, although I’ve always dreamed about trying out new things. Who am I kidding, anyway? I love adventures! I mean, who doesn’t?! I love the thought of traveling to different, unfamiliar places, trying extreme sports, meeting new people, and just go out and have the time of my life. But I was too afraid of making mistakes and getting hurt. I hate making a fool out of myself, especially when feelings and emotions are involved. I was never a risk taker back then. Maybe because I was too young, and still trying to fit in and please other people.

Then, love happened. I haven’t mastered my emotions back then. I’m too young to know what love really meant, so I ended up getting hurt and heart-broken. Love was too complicated for a young lady that I was. I tend giving up everything, and not saving some respect and love for myself. I was foolish enough to be cheated, twice.

I never really had problems making friends. I think, I excel on that aspect of my boring life. I managed to be friends with great people that I could always rely on. Ironically, being a worrier that I was, and still am, I worry about what people around me would think of me–would they like me? Would they hate me? Would we be good friends?–I worry about the results of the actions that I would make. I worry about the future– about the things that hasn’t happen yet. I worry too much that I forgot how live at the moment– to be totally not in control of my life; to just live today and let tomorrow be a day of renewed chances– another opportunity to learn and make up for yesterday’s mistakes.

Looking back, I realized that I have wasted a lot of great opportunities. I have missed meeting a whole bunch of people. I missed how fun it is to be young. I wish I could go back in time and change how I lived, which is sadly isn’t possible.

My Present

I am learning. Constantly. Everyday. I learned to accept the things that life’s throwing at me, and sometimes even enjoy them. I would still have some bad days and get frustrated about it. I would still get sad and even mad. I’m still human after all. Sometimes, when my day turned out so bad, I want to scream at life at tell it how unfair it is to me. But however shitty my day has been, at the end of it, I still treasure and keep it as one of those memories that I could relish when I get older. So I would have something to remind myself that it is okay to make mistakes. That it is okay to get sad and mad about it. That at the end, you learned something from those mistakes and decided to do something about it.

I’m also trying to be more adventurous now. Once in a while, I get out of my comfort zone and try new things. I even decided to live healthier– eating healthy food (from time to time, because Bonchon’s spicy chicken wings happened) and exercising.

I’ve tried boxing, and would definitely go back after being MIA for more than 2 months because of a back injury. I’m also planning to try Muay Thai and yoga, as well; I hope to find a yoga class that isn’t too expensive, though. And attend dance classes! Oh, how I miss dancing. Hike mountains, trek unbeaten paths, camp out in an island, join marathons and fun runs– these are just a few things that I would like to do. Since I’m not getting any younger, it’s time to move around more often so I could be fitter and healthier.

Also as I venture the life of healthy living, I also try cooking my own food for lunch. I have a desk job and I know that it’s not good to always buy and eat food from fastfood restaurants because (1) it is too expensive and (2) unhealthy. Besides, I miss cooking too, so why not do it for a healthier and more practical reason? I use some of my free time to search for yummy and healthy recipes that I can cook.

Last year, I decided to give myself a new look. I dyed my hair for the very first time! I pamper myself with weekend nail spas and body massages after a long week of hard work.

I’ve also tried using make ups to brighten up my face a little bit. I’ve even watched tons of YouTube videos on how to create that perfect eyebrow. (Still not a fan of putting on those BB creams, concealers, and foundations on my face, so I just use my ever reliable J&J powder to avoid getting a too shiny face.) I’m also being smart when choosing and buying my clothes– something that would not make me look too slumpy or fat. I learned to mix and match my clothes and wear heeled shoes from time to time. Working in Makati would make you swear a lot if you’re always wearing high heeled shoes walking along Ayala Avenue. So I also invest in buying sturdy and reliable flats that I could bring with me just in case I give up on wearing my pumps.

I have too many travels plans as well. If my budget permits me, I’d love to reward myself of going out of towns from time to time. Simple camping out or an overnight getaway to a nearby place like Tagaytay, Laguna, Batangas, or Zambales, just to relieve me from stress. Or maybe a 3D/2N in Cebu, Davao, Bohol, Guimaras, or El Nido?

We’ll slowly get there. And when the time comes, I could finally tell myself that I am living everyday as if it is my last.

My Future

My life hasn’t ended yet. There’s still plenty of time to live and improve myself. For now, I’ll let things fall into their respective places and see what I can do about them. I may still have regrets, but I promise not to dwell in them too much. I’ll live everyday and enjoy every moment of it– good or bad– and accept that life will always have its ups and downs to teach us.

I’ve learned that growing up will always be hard, but we need to deal with it at some point in our lives. Maturity comes with how much you have learned from your experiences and how you managed to change it so you won’t commit the same mistakes again.

I’ve realized how important it is to know yourself first– what you love and want in life– before anything else. Regrets will always be a part of life, but dwelling in the past and asking yourself repeatedly the question ‘what if’ will only make you miserable. Life will be more worth living if you learn how to embrace ‘what is’, learn to love the things the you already have, and start working on how you can be a better person.

The Art of Moving On

Day 1

It’s okay to lie down all day. You can cry all you want. You are hurt. Take your time. Do not rush. Cry until it hurts no more. Crying doesn’t mean that you are weak. It just means that you can feel pain. Pain is a natural thing. Go ahead. I will never judge you. It’s okay to feel pain.

Listening to sad songs? Go ahead. Watching sad movies? Don’t hesitate. If that can help you ease the pain. You may think of him from time to time, but it is totally okay. It’s just a phase. You may have sleepless nights. You may not even have the appetite to eat your favorite food. I understand. You are depressed. But do not make depression overcome you. You will have regrets, yes. But what’s done is done.

Day 3

How are you? I can still feel that you are hurt. But you can smile now. Even just a little. That’s good. Again, do not rush. Just take your time. I know you can overcome this. You are sad. It’s normal. But don’t let sadness overcome you. You are strong.

Go out. Go ahead. What do you see? I know. You can see him everywhere. In the nearest café where you both hang out. You might even mistakenly see him standing in the corner of the street, waiting to cross. It’s okay. Close your eyes and breathe deep. Then, open your eyes again. Can you still see him? No? Good. Now, it’s time for you to slowly pick up the pieces of yourself. It’s time for you to move on a bit. You may still cry. It’s understandable. I know it’s hard. But you can do it. I believe you can.

Day 5

Preparing for work? That’s nice. Wear some make-up. Brush your hair. Dress up. There, that’s better. You are pretty. We can’t do something about those puffy eyes though. Ah, I know. Skip wearing your contact lenses and wear your eyeglasses instead. Better. You are now ready to go out and continue what was left undone when he decided to go. Go on. It may be a bit scary at first, but I know you’ll survive.

Oh, your friends called? Then go out with them. I think you are now ready to tell them what happened between the two of you. Eat out. Drink up. Flirt a little. That would help you. Work out. Book yourself a plane ticket going to the place you’ve always wanted to visit. Try a new hair color. Go hiking? Camp out? Enjoy your life. Indulge. You deserve it.

Day 15

I can see that you are now almost back to normal. You can now laugh hard with your friends. You start exploring different things. I can see that you now love yourself more. That’s good. It means that you are trying to get back to what you were before—an independent young lady. It’s good that you now find it easy to smile even to strangers. I’m proud of you.

You did it. I know you could. You may not be completely healed now, but you are trying to keep yourself busy with things that you love. Just continue that. You’ll see that after a month or two, you will be more than okay. You will discover more about yourself. You’ll love yourself more. The right time will come when you will be healed. At that right time, I know, you will be able to open your heart again to someone that you deserve. Do not rush. Take your time. You will do just fine.

Change

Time comes, when you just have to stop expecting for something more from other people. Sometimes, you have to settle for the smallest possible hope that everything will never have to change. But sadly, people, like any other things, do change.

Of Weddings and A Dream

Wedding.

I once dreamt of walking down the aisle, walking toward my husband-to-be, and exchanging our vows. It’s every woman’s dream to wear that long wedding gown while being accompanied by her parents. Somehow, I’ve shared that dream, until I became hopeless–hopeless that I’d still be able to experience that dream.

Almost everyone I know are either having children, getting marriage proposals, or settling down with their better halves. Although I’ve decided not to get married just because it’s to expensive, I still envy them. There is a part of me that wants to experience saying “yes” to a marriage proposal; planning my wedding; walking down the aisle while wearing a beautiful, long wedding dress; and having children of my own running around our own house–building my own family.

But times are tough nowadays. We have to be more practical. Even though we have our own savings, it would not cover everything that we need to build a family. We have to work harder and save more.

Hay. Life, why are you so difficult to deal with?

Take a Break

It’s been a long time since I last opened my blog account and write about my daily musings. As far as I could remember, my last post was about me being heart-broken—but not to the point that we broke up. Sorry for those who are waiting for that break-up to happen. 🙂 I have been busy with a lot of things. Although I’ve promised to update this space regularly, travel planning, work, freelancing—living per se, made me so busy. I was preoccupied with a lot of things that I forgot to take a break and relax.

During my short hiatus, I have visited different places and met a lot of new people. I reconnected with my friends whom I haven’t seen for a long time. And hey! I have learned how to apply make-up! Hooray! 🙂 I am trying my best to improve myself—physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m done being 25. Now that I am a year older, I am “overhauling” my life into something that I would want to stick with for the rest of my life. Enough of my quarter life crisis and childish views—although I cannot force myself to stop giggling or fan-girling over Enrique Gil and other cute guys out there (yeah, my jologs side is still there, and I am proud of it.)—it’s time for me to straighten up my views, focus on my goals, live my life to the fullest.

I have a lot of new exciting posts to write here. I’ll definitely make time to post an entry, if not everyday, every week, so help me God. I’ll try to make it a habit to update this blog and share my life to you guys. (Haha. Feeling celebrity.) It might take me a day or two to update this space again because I am planning for an upcoming weekend trip, but rest assured, I’ll be sharing more of my trips here once I have finished planning for the said trip. I’ll keep you posted!

My Life’s Nightmare

It’s Monday again. Struggle sa lahat– sa pagggising, sa pagbangon, at sa pagligo. Medyo malamig pa kasi ang klima pag umaga. While sitting and thinking about things to do for work today, it just dawned on me– parang gusto ko na sumuko. Parang talong-talo na ako kahit anong gawin ko.

Lately, I’ve been reading some articles and blog posts about life per sè– life and love, actually. Yeah, you may be tired of me ranting all about my messy life and struggling relationship with my boyfriend; ngayon pa lang, magsosorry na ako. Alam ko, medyo maaga pa para magkabasa kayo ng ganito. Pero eto lang kasi ang outlet ko to let everything out.

Madalas sa mga nababasa ko sinasabi na kung nagiging masyado ka nang paranoid sa relasyon mo, tipong wala ng trust, might as well lumabas ka na habang maaga pa. Para minimal na lang yung mararamdaman mong sakit kumpara sa kung kayo pa, pero araw-araw mo naman iniinda yung thought na may iba na nga talaga syang gusto– at unfortunately, di na ikaw yun. Mas masakit.

Pero bakit nga ba pinipilit ko pa rin magstay sa 7-year relationship na ‘to kahit aware naman ako sa nangyayari. Fear of rejection? Fear of being alone? Regrets? 7-year itch lang ‘to– yan and paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko.

Yeah, nakilala ko na yung mga kaopisina nya na hate ko dahil hanggang ngayon ata eh binubuyo sya dun  sa babaeng yun. Bakit ba kayo ganyang mga lalaki? Ang hihilig nyo mangdemonyo ng iba. Kung may gusto kayo, kayo na lang. Wag na kayong mandamay ng iba. Di pa rin ako kampante sa bawat inuman session nila dahil baka may ibuyo na naman sila, ako na naman ang kawawa. Pero anong ginagawa ko? Tumatahimik na lang at naghihintay. Hirap eh, baka pag  kumontra ako, ako na naman ang mali. Play safe na lang.

Netong mga nakaraan, para akong laging binabangungot. Lagi ko na lang napapanaginipan na mag-isa na lang ako. Na iniwan na nya ako ng tuluyan. Para akong tanga na nagigising ng madaling araw na minsan humahagulgol o umiiyak ng tahimik. Aba eh ang hirap na kada umaga, ang dami mong muta na tatanggalin sa mata. Ang bigat sa dibdib ng ganun. Tulad ngayong umaga, ganun ulit. Hirap. Para akong naloloka.

Mabalik tayo sa una kong nabanggit– na parang ayaw ko na. Na gusto ko na lang itigil ang kalokohan na to, itapon na lang lahat at subukan na mag-move on. Menos luha, menos sakit sa dibdib, menos sakit sa ulo. Pero bakit hanggang ngayon, di ko magawa. Siguro dahil mahal ko pa rin sya sa di ko malamang dahilan. Dahil sabi nga nila, pag nagmahal ka, wala naman talaga atang rason. Paano kung mawala na yung rason na yun, mawawala na rin yung pagmamahal? Ang alam ko lang, basta mahal ko lang sya. No more, no less. Di naman sa takot akong mawala sya eh, takot ako sa mangyayari kung papakawalan ko sya. Yeah, regrets.